Grief Trophy

Is there a hierarchy to grief?

I’ve asked myself this question on more than one occasion.

I’ve been told many times that a death by suicide is different, that it’s somehow worse. I never really understood why.

Is my experience any worse or better than someone that has lost a loved one to a horrific accident?

Why are some deaths considered “the worst,” and some deaths seemingly don’t carry the same weight when compared to another. Why is it that a death of a child seemingly trumps the death of an elderly parent? Or when a devastating loss to a natural disaster is worse than losing everything to a broken relationship?

Who is to judge? And is it really a competition anyone wants to win?

There is no hierarchy and there is no “worst” pain. Every one of us has our own experience that is uniquely ours. Yours is yours and mine is mine.

We would not compare happiness to one another, so why do we feel entitled to hurt more because of our circumstances?

Let’s take off the judgemental grieving goggles and start looking at the healing process.

When we carry around the notion that we cannot feel better because no one will ever understand the pain that we are going through, it can be very isolating. Just as no one understand your pain, no one exactly understands your joy.

Why? It simple. It is not their experience, it is yours.

Grief that goes unhealed is raw and unrelenting.

The burden of carrying grief around with you because you believe you cannot heal it, you shouldn’t heal it or it’s all you have left...this is the worst grief.

There are no winners. You can heal from your pain and maybe even help others in the process.

And the first step is to put down the grief trophy.

The Gift of Choice

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Choice.

Such a simple concept, but it’s not easy to execute everyday or every time.

Everything is a choice. This is a concept that you need to understand. 

I’m talking about one of the laws of the universe. And this is the Law of Polarity. 

There is no outside of the house, if there is no inside. There is no top, if there is no bottom. You can’t have a left side, if there is no right side. There is no front, if there is no back. 

You get what I am saying. 

So understand, you can’t have bad without good. We get both: top/bottom, good/bad. 

“Nothing is good or bad except our thinking will make it so.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you’re not 100% sure of either outcome, then it’s simply both. What is left in the center is what it is. You get to choose how you think about it. 

Let’s talk about losing weight, for example. 

You may think that it is going to be hard. Are you 100% sure that it will be hard? I mean, one-hundred-percent-not-a-chance that it will not be hard? You can’t be 100% sure it will be that way, so let’s say your answer is, “No.”

Are you sure it is going to be easy? Again are you 100% sure it will be easy? Probably not. So either way, you’re not 100% sure. 

Now it’s time to choose. 

One thought will lead you to your desire of losing weight and the other thought will not. 

Why not choose the thought that feels better? 

It all comes down to choice. 

It may be a difficult choice that you are dealing with, a difficult person or a difficult circumstance. But understand you have the power! You can’t control the situations or circumstances, but you can certainly control how you deal with them. 

Our thoughts are very powerful, choose them carefully.